Those wise sayings says I should make peace with my past in order to move forward. However, only those pieces of crappy past could make me believe that I was capable to be loved. That I had a warm heart to love someone that deep.
The same memories that torn me into pieces, when you turns me into a non existence creature for the sake of your own comfortable feeling. Those shitty memories, somehow, makes me believe that I was once, a lovable creature. And I hate my self for that.
I drink, to forget you. I want to have a one night stand just because I want to erase the traces you left in my body. I want to try to ask a guy’s out — just for fun. I don’t want a have a commitment anymore. I am afraid that I will do the same stupid mistakes all over again if I fall in love.
I want to erase you. I want to hate you. I want to scream in front of your face, crying my pain out. But will that help? Will it destroy you, the same as you destroying me now? Will you feel the pain? Or I will just be that stupid girl, once again?
I don’t want to hate you. But if I don’t, it means I should just hating myself for a long time. And I am too tired for this.
Anyway– I wonder, how people forgive themselves? Do they all go to the psychologist or they just pray harder?Do they drink, smoke, using sleeping pills? Which one will work for me?
It’s been too long.